What do you do?
by Wiccan98
Summary: 'What do you do when it's all taken from you? When what you thought was steady suddenly breaks'    Short oneshot. D/G. Slight mention of Harry. Please read and review!


**What do you do?**

_**Disclaimer**__**; **__I do not own, nor will I ever own, Harry Potter or anything HP related, that all belongs to J.K Rowling. The plot is mine though._

What do you do?

What do you do when it's all taken from you? When what you thought was steady suddenly breaks? When the one person who swore to never hurt you rips you open and crushes you're still-beating heart? Only to place it back into your chest so you experience twice the pain? What do you do when you refuse to, but know you must, move on?

I loved him, I loved him so deeply, so perfectly, so purely, and so truly. And he loved me, I know he did, no matter what he may say now I know he loved me and that a part of him, however small, still does.

His words, so cruel and so vial cut through everything I'd ever known. They tore through me and made me bleed, wounded me so deep that the scars that will remain will be enough to take over completely and hinder me from here on.

I still love him though, you can't just suddenly stop loving a person, no matter the hurt they may cause you. Even if you could, if _I _could, I wouldn't. To stop loving him, to forget our time spent together, the perfection of it all, would be a pain so unimaginable.

I could see it though, through his lies, through his words – words dripping with disdain, I could still see the love he felt for me in his eyes. He hid it well, I nearly missed it completely but I've known him so well for so long he couldn't have hid it completely from me. I saw the pain behind his eyes he tried to conceal. I heard the slightest of cracks in his tone as he told me he never loved me and never wanted to see me again. I saw his hands clench into tight fists as he spoke these lies. I witnessed as his already pale skin grew even paler as my eyes started to tear. And when I went to leave, when I took that first step away from him – that first step out of his life forever, I saw him move towards me. Very slightly, maybe only an inch or so closer, but I saw it. I knew he wanted to stop me, and I wanted nothing more than to run to him, have him hold me again and tell me how he lied, how wrong he was, and how he never meant any of it.

But I couldn't.

He wouldn't be doing this if he didn't feel he had a good enough reason, he wouldn't put me through this pain if he didn't think it was for the best. He wouldn't have spoken so unkindly if he didn't know it was the only way to get me to leave.

I didn't want him to see my tears. I never wanted to show a weakness in front of him, but such things cannot be avoided at times. If I hadn't cried, if I hadn't completely broken down and wished for death to end this pain, I would have been worried. What would it mean if it didn't hurt this much? It could only mean that the feelings I thought I felt for him all along would have been fake, but they weren't. The pain I experienced proved that beyond a doubt.

I couldn't show how much it hurt, I couldn't show anyone how broken and numb I was inside. No one knew about us to begin with so to suddenly display my shattered heart to the world would have been suspicious.

It's been weeks. It still hurts. The hole in my chest, right where my heart should be, hasn't gotten any smaller, hasn't mended or healed in any way. I haven't gotten better, I've just gotten better at hiding the pain of it from everyone.

I can smile now, I can laugh when someone tells a joke. I can even have a good time with friends. But he's always there, in the back of my mind. I see his face when I close my eyes. Hear his voice in the silence. Feel him holding me as I cry myself to sleep. I hear him as he tells me he still loves me in my dreams, only to be woken up a shot time later and have it all taken away from me once again.

I still see him, I'll catch his eye and he'll stop a moment, stare for half a second and then continue on with what he was doing, but that half a second is all it takes. I see the pain in his own eyes. The regret, the hope, and the wish that things could be different. And then, just before he turns away, I see the realization, the understanding, and the torment in the knowledge that nothing can be changed.

The fear of complete and utter loneliness has already taken over, I've started seeing my brother's best mate, I don't love him, and he doesn't dull the pain in any way, but at least I'm not alone.

I'm not living,

but I'm surviving.

I'm not happy,

but I'm laughing.

I'm not content,

but I'm smiling.

I'm not truly alive,

but I'm still here.

* * *

_**A/N; **__Wrote this on a sudden burst of inspiration, please review and tell me what you all think, it'd mean a lot to me._


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